


Ground Sodden and Torn

by favbbycas



Category: Outlander (TV)
Genre: Discussion of past sexual assault, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode s02e02 Not in Scotland Anymore, Episode: s01e16 To Ransom a Man's Soul, F/M, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, mastrubation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:41:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28976829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favbbycas/pseuds/favbbycas
Summary: Jamie's recovery from the abuse he suffered at Randall’s hands includes rediscovering his autonomy.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser, Jamie Fraser/Jonathan "Black Jack" Randall
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	Ground Sodden and Torn

He could barely stand her touch, flinching away entirely or visibly forcing himself to relax. They were both recovering from what happened at Wentworth. He felt full of shame, self-loathing that flared whenever he was reminded of that man, his senses on edge almost always. His Sassenach, so much more understanding than he expected her to be. He had felt so afraid that she would never forgive him, and when the very bones of him were exposed to her she looked to him with a love he didn’t feel was deserved but was eternally grateful for.  
Slowly as they settled in Paris her touch became easier, her kisses sweet and so missed by his aching heart.

Before, when those sweet kisses turned into a fire in both their bellies they would find each other in bed. No matter what had happened before they could come together again. His and Claire’s bed was sacred ground, a place to call theirs. A place he misses fearcily and is terrified of now. Their ground sodden and torn, his mind and body unable to reconcile with the pleasure and violation he had endured, again filling him with shame like tidal waves across his chest. 

Everytime they could have become intimate beyond kisses and gentle caresses he turned away or said good night, the knowing look on his wife's face as welcomed as it was difficult to see. He was thankful for her patience with him. He tried not to think about when it would run out. 

Later in bed, safe in a locked room with a roaring fire he reaches beneath her nightgown and feels the evidence of French influence on his wife. He feels his desire for her rise within him and takes up familiar residence at the forefront of his mind. She takes his hand in his and he feels how wet and soft she is for him.

“Claire! What have ye done to yourself? Your honey pot is bare!” 

“I’m aware of that, I was there when it happened and I also did these.” she says lifting her calf towards his hand, allowing him to feel the smoothness of her skin.

“Ah that's bad enough, but to rid yourself of such a lovely forest…I” He says 

“I thought you’d be intrigued.” his wife responds “Something different.”

“Aye, different right enough.” He pauses, his fingers gently stroking Claire in her most intimate place that he has missed so much. “What must it look like?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself.” she says

He is eager to see, and moves from her side down between her legs, lifting away her nightdress to get a look at what Claire has done to herself. 

“Any thoughts?” she questions.

“Aye, it’s more complicated than it looks thatched over.” he says causing her to let out a small laugh.

“Ahh very smooth..” 

“Do you like it?” 

“You’re a daring woman Sassenach, I suppose that makes me a very lucky man.”

She hums as he moves closer to her. Shifting onto his knees lifting his nightshirt away from himself as he slots between her thighs. Their lips meet with moans and for the first time in weeks he feels his cock brush against her, causing her to let out a low moan into his mouth. He relishes the feel of her hands on his cheeks, holding him as he guides himself inside of her, the sensation overwhelming them both. For a moment he feels nothing but pleasure to be with Claire again. Her body warm and lovely underneath him, his cock sliding into her feels so good, their mutual pleasure hot and sweet, her mouth so perfect against his. 

Then his mind betrays him. It feels like the very blood in his vein turns to ice and he sees the horrible images again in his mind. Suddenly all he can feel is Randall and he is back in that dark dungeon once again. Pulling away quickly, he is unable to continue with the assault replaying itself in his mind's eye. He cannot get away from it, the memories following him both in his dreams and in his waking hours. His body locks up, eyes wide as every instinct in him is crying out in panic. He looks down at Claire’s beautiful face and calms a bit, his heart still racing in his chest. Sweat has gathered on his brow. She takes his hand and reassures him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she whispers, “It’s okay.”

He nods, on reflex alone and kisses her hand in a silent thank you to her. 

“It’s alright Jamie, I understand, I don’t expect anything from you.” She says to him as he lies back down beside her, his injured hand trembling slightly against his chest, hoping she doesn’t notice.

“You dinna expect anything from me? I’m only yer husband.” he says quietly.

“Oh Jamie,” she whispers to him gently reaching her hand to stroke his cheek once again.

“Yes, you are my husband James Fraser, and that is precisely why I’d never expect you to warm my bed unless you wanted to.”

He doesn’t know what to say, because he does want to, but he can’t. It is another source of shame heavy on his heart. His tedious mind whispers to him that maybe he never will feel pleasure again. That he is a broken man.

“But Claire…” he argues still.

“If it were me, would you expect me to endure such discomfort?” 

“Of course not, Claire!”

‘It is the same Jamie, you have suffered a terrible ordeal.” she says firmly.

They haven’t discussed it, not since that night Claire came to him and demanded an answer, to know exactly why he wished to kill himself.  
He swallows hard, eyes glistening slightly with the emotion he feels at her words, much of it is anger. The rest is a grief unlike any other he has ever known. Allowing the silence to settle for a moment, Claire gives Jamie a moment to collect himself. She would not blame him for bidding her goodnight and turning away from her.  
Much to her surprise Jamie reaches for her hand again.

“Aye, it was terrible Sassenach.” he says solemnly.

He is playing with her wedding ring, focusing on the way the light reflects on it as he spins around her finger.

“Jamie, you can tell me, if you want to.” She says, looking at the side of his face. She waits patiently stroking his hair.

“I dinna feel like myself anymore Claire, everytime I close my eyes it's like he’s here, I feel his touch and it nearly sends me to the pot.” he turns his head away from her completely, the words feeling like bile as he admits them outloud. 

“You are still you Jamie, my headstrong Scot, what he did doesn't change who you are.”

He sighs, “I dinna ken Claire..”

“Jamie, what he did to you was rape. You were injured, he threatened to kill me, and you were a prisoner. He was a sadist, and what he did was not your fault.” 

She feels the sting of her words as they leave her throat, but she needs him to understand that he was in no position to defend himself. He was taken advantage of by a horrible sadistic man. He needs to know that it wasn’t his fault, that she doesn't blame him for Randall’s actions. 

“Have you forgotten what I said? He made love to me, Claire.” A small pained sound escapes his throat. “There’s something else, he made me say your name while he...until I...” he cannot go on. 

Suddenly she understands. Randall inflicted such layered hurts upon her husband, defiling his body and tainting his pleasure. Her eyes squeeze shut in an effort to keep her tears from falling, she fails and they stream down her cheeks. 

“Jamie, darling, your mind took the first way out it could find, real or not. He knew that would hurt you, it’s not your fault your mind was in such a state.” she says fiercely. 

He stops fiddling with her ring, and for a moment she fears she has pushed him too far. Finally he looks into her eyes, the ghost of a smile on his lips. He nods, thankful she knows that he never would have betrayed her if he had a choice. 

“Maybe yer right Claire, I hate that sick bastard for what he did to me, what he made me do.”

She hums in response, relief flooding her as she gets through that stubborn Fraser head of his. 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him Jamie, the sick bastard.” she says.

“Claire, if yer asking me not to blame myself I have to ask ya to do the same. I couldna bear yer pain, ya know that Claire.” he responds.

She knows he is right. They cannot rewrite the past. “Alright, I promise to try not to blame myself if you do the same.”

“That's gonna be easier said than done Sassench, but I promise I’ll do my best.” he kisses her lightly, sealing their promise and feeling a bit lighter than before.  
They cuddle closer together, eye to eye. He pulls their blankets back over their cold legs, grateful for the comfort being close to her brings. He missed feeling her body against his.

There is silence between them for a while, both lost in thought listening to the crackle of the fire.

“Jamie.” she says, tone serious. “I have an idea, but I need to know how you feel…”

“Alright then Sassench, what are ya thinking?” 

“First let me ask you, have you ya know, um, touched yourself at all lately?” she asked

He shifts, eyes widening for a moment “Oh Jesus Claire I dinna ken you were gonna ask me about that. Why?” 

“Sorry, I’ve made you uncomfortable, but I wonder if that's not a place to start? She prompts. 

“Ahh, I see what yer saying Clarie, I haven’t, uh been successful with that since Wentworth…it has been a while since I tried.” he said, yet another thing taken from him.

“Well, when you're ready, maybe try again, I think it might benefit you, re-acquaint you with yourself a bit?”

He pauses considering her words. Maybe she was right, he trusted her of course but he was so tired of being afraid, of losing parts of himself.

“Aye, it may be so Sassench, I’ll keep that in mind.” she nods at him, small shy smiles on both of their faces now.

He suddenly yawns, body exhausted from his mind's constant vigilance.

“Let’s go to sleep, Jamie, I’m sure we both need it.” she says.

“Yer right, Sassench.” He knows she is, but still the urge to avoid sleep goades at him. Sleep means his mind comes up with all sorts of horrors, both memory and nightmare mixed together in a horrible concoction. 

“Wake me if you need me, I love you, Jamie” she says. Both of them settling into bed to sleep, watching her husband closely for any further signs of immediate distress.

His good hand strokes across her swollen belly, protective her and their growing wee bairn. 

“I love you too Claire, more everyday.” He says, eyes closing and they sleep peacefully through most of the night. 

When Jamie wakes up covered in fresh sweat and panting hard willing his panic to subside, Claire is there. She takes his hand offering what comfort she can, and he stays in bed this time, slowly as his heart calms he is able to go back to sleep, their hands held tightly together across her belly. 

The next time he gets a moment alone he thinks about it, stoking himself off, his body craving release. He is in their room anxiously pacing the floor trying to calm himself a bit. It is something he wants, and needs, and while his gut feels sour at the thought of his mind betraying him in such a way again he has considered Claire’s words. Maybe it would help him, so he resolves to try. He sits on the edge of the bed, slowly reaching his hand toward his cock under his kilt. 

His mind flashes back to Randall, and he quickly removes it along with his outer coat, leaving him only in his undershirt. With a deep breath he moves into the center of the bed, and reaches for himself once again. 

He feels the familiar weight of his cock in his hand, half-way hard and aching, but there is still a feeling of awkwardness and hesitation like he’s never felt before. He wills himself to relax, his hand gently grasps tighter around his flesh and he lets out a sigh. His body is responding well to his touch and it is starting to feel good. He continues, watching his hand moving up and down is almost surreal, it has been weeks since he felt anything like this.

The sour feeling in his gut is still there, but he shuts his eyes and thinks of Claire, he thinks of their wedding night and the following days after, her naked form so new to him, going back to the start of their intimacy. He remembers what it felt like the first time, his cock surrounded by her so tight and warm, overwhelmed by their closeness. His hand stokes faster, his mind focusing on the feeling of being inside Claire, of her hips seaking him out, both of them moving faster and faster until he gasps, eyes opening as he finishes. His pleasure taking him by surprise.

He is trembling, and out of breath. He is satisfied.  
His Sassenach, he loves her so, he can’t wait to see her and tell her about his victory.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new to Outlander, and I thought we needed more time spent on Jamie's recovery and healing. Let me know what you think and if you'd like another chapter on Jamie and Claire reconnecting :)


End file.
